Short Stories, The Blog, University

But I thought we were arch enemies! (and) I’m you’re wife, damn the sheep!

I’m pretty good at improv but I’m definitely good at text message improv. Over the past two days I’ve had some fantastic banter between Jack Tindall and Elijah Gill. Prepare to meet my arch-enemy and sheep-cheating husband!

Sorry I missed the Film Club screening.
What’s one next Monday?

The cinema has flooded at the moment so
don’t worry. I was projecting last night and
the next morning it was flooded. I swear it
wasn’t me.

That’s what they all say – but I’m onto you, mister.
You better watch where your flooding if I were
you. I’m watching.

The way it’s going, you’ll be next.

It takes a mastermind to flood me out of town.
Your threat has been laughed off, laughed off I say!

Well, you watch out. My minions will start to flood
your house very soon. That might dampen the

Your minions will have to bring the lake if they’re
to reach me on the third floor. I’ll fight minions
with minions. Minions with stairs. Minions with
fiery stairs! That ‘dampened mood’ of yours will
look mighty toasty then.

Maybe I will encapsulate your house in a forcefield
and fill it that way. No escape. YOU ARE DOOMED.

I SEE HOW IT IS. Luckily my wardrobe teleports
in such emergencies as being trapped by a
forcefield about to flood with water. I will
teleport to your roof and apprehend you in the act!
I will watch from afar and cackle with my
detectives camera. Then where will you be?!
Nicked! That’s what.

Ah, but I have thought  about that. I have a
wardrobe-transporter-blocker installed. If
you try it, you will be quantum dislocated into
the multiverse.

NOOOOOOO! How could you do that to me?
I thought we were arch enemies. I thought we had
something – the bonds of madness and obsession
– and your willing to quantum dislocate me into
the multiverse? You could dispose of me and
find a new super detective without trauma?
I’m hurt, Tindall. Quite frankly I’m hurt. Flood
my bloody house. It doesn’t matter any more!

You have persuaded me not to. We make an
awesome team. When I take over the world,
you can have New Zealand? Sound fair?

(Sigh of relief)
Sounds fair. Sounds fair. You should run
now before the police arrive. I’ll give you a
half hour head start.

As you can see, Tuesday was an epic event. Onto more domestic matters this was today’s spat and challenge:

I’m late for class. I’m not coming in. What
am I missing? Never mind, I’m sure you’ll
muddle on without me.

I can’t! I can’t go on without you! *weeps*

Why do I always have this effect on women?
And men. And sheep called Bernard.

I don’t need to know what you and Bernard
do, Elijah. You told me that was over!

I always thought you overreacted to this,
it was only Poker.

You say Poker but I know different. You think
I’m blind, don’t you? I can’t – I can’t take this
any more, Elijah! My poor heart – my nerves!
This marriage is on the rocks, I tell you.

We can’t divorce! What would happen to poor
little Phoenix Batman Tron and Ripley Samus
Tifa?! Think of the children!

The children could have it worse. They could
be living with your mother!

My mother is lovely. She was not trying
to sell them to wealthy Mexican dry lords,
that was all a hilarious misunderstanding
involving a carrot.

Just like the time she wrote ‘Protestant Whore’
on the back of our wedding batmobile, too, I

OK I’ll give you that one, but how was I supposed
to know she’d been brainwashed and turned into
a paypal assassin?

You’re just being ridiculous now. Take me seriously
for once! Please, for me, darling, come into class.
I’m sorry. I just – please? You’re mother’s lovely.

Alright, I’ll stop trying to outsilly you. I’ll even
stop playing Poker with Bernard.

And that’s how you get a fellow classmate into university. My job here is done. Have a great day and write lots!


2 thoughts on “But I thought we were arch enemies! (and) I’m you’re wife, damn the sheep!”

  1. This is all very funny.
    What I want to know, did it really work getting your mate to class?!


    1. Haha, glad you enjoyed it. Makes texting a lot more giggles-worthy.
      Alas, it did not work. He said he ALMOST came into class, but t’was not to be.


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