video games

Dragon Age: Inquisition – Worst Wedding Ever

First thing’s first: Dragon Age: Inquisition never happened. The entire plot that should have happened? All in their DLC Trespasser, and I will do a post about that another time. So anyway:

cullenwed
Screenshot from FluffyNinjaLlama’s video

In DLC Trespasser, the Inquisitor gets to marry Cullen Rutherford (or Sera) if he’s been a successful romance option in the “main game.” Not only is it boring and over in literally 30 seconds, but the secrecy was pointless and the whole set-up the worst wedding ever.

Okay, maybe not EVER. But the creative development given to marrying Cullen was weaker than a fart in the breeze. I’m not even a big Cullen fan, I don’t get why people are obsessed with him, but since fans have been making mods to marry the guy since Origins release date in 2009, it’s not like the devs didn’t have anywhere to take inspiration. Although, for some reason, a lot of those pages on Nexus have since disappeared or been taken down.

I’m targeting the Cullen wedding because it’s the one I played.

cullenwed2
The mod for this screencapture has since been taken down.

What happens?

The Inquisitor says that getting married to her commanding officer in the heat of greater political drama would be pretty bad taste. Since tensions are high, I think, cool. No problem. It’ll happen at the end of the DLC, we can build up to it – yipee! Suspense.

No. Cullen says he knows someone who can keep it quiet. I’m assuming he means our engagement, since it only happened five seconds ago, and not The Wedding. Okay, I think: Josephine! She’ll be happy, but also agree about the shush-shush. Or maybe Leliana? She’s the boss of secrets. Sure. I’d like some friends to know. Makes sense it would be the other two Inquisition advisors.

TOO LOGICAL. Nope. Instead of a cutscene where we confide to Josie or Leliana, the Inquisitor rips a wedding dress out her ass, moves over to the gazebo in the corner of the courtyard where every courtier can see us – you can hear generic crowd chatter in the background (so secret) – and we’re married in two sentences by Mother Giselle. Our witness? A mabari hound Cullen found five minutes ago. BOOM CONGRATS GET BACK TO THE DLC, WE’VE APPEASED YOU, SHEESH.

When I go and visit Cassandra immediately after, she already knows we’re married. As does everyone else. So. Secret. So. Effective. What. Was. The. Point?

I kind of get it

I know the devs (or at least David Gaider) have said that romance is a “side show” and not part of the main game, they have to focus on the “plot” (if only they’d found one for DA:I that was as engaging as the characters, maybe they shouldn’t have focused on sprawling endless maps with nothing in them). But Cullen’s wedding really struck no emotional quiver for me.

What should have happened

Cullen: Sure, we need to keep this quiet for now, but I know a few people who can keep a secret. How soon, BY THE WAY, do you want to get married?

Inquisitor: A) Tonight. B) After the Exalted Council. [You chose option A.]

Cullen: R-really? So soon? No, I mean, I’m excited. We’ll have to prepare somehow. Perhaps Vivienne will help us. She’s been loyal to you, and I’m sure she owes you a favour.

Inquisitor: You’re right. If anyone can find me a dress in nine hours, it’s Madame de Fer. Also: RINGS.

Now, in the DLC and unrelated to the wedding, you run around the Winter Palace picking  up random objects. A crumpled napkin. A cracked mask. And these things seem important, like there’ll be some kind of Easter egg reward if you find all the items. Except nothing happens. There is no reward, no purpose, no reason to think I should sell them. Perhaps the items were a forgotten part of the DLC. Whatever the case, d’you know what else I could have been collecting? Objects for my imminent wedding.

Send me on a quest for a dress-train I can find in a random wardrobe. See the palace jeweller for a ring, or significant sash, or a rope to bind our hands – whatever. Get Krem to hunt down some nice shoes. Stuff that doesn’t require a ton of time. You click the object, or get a one-liner from Krem, and voosh. You have it. Have one cutscene asking Viv for a favour: please find me a dress. That’s it. Off you go to carry on the plot of Trespasser, which is still the plot that should have been DA:I, gosh I’m bitter.

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At least we got great fan-art. Dorian by ‘the-cinnaminion.’

You return from flooding the Deep Roads, successful but stressed because your life could end at any moment. Amidst all this exciting angst (which was genuinely exciting), you sneak off in the small hours of the night to marry Cullen. Vivienne is there as your witness because she found you the dress, thanks babe. And Josie can be there as Cullen’s witness because she’s a softie really, no matter how badly timed everything is.

END WEDDING STUFF.

I just. I came up with all of this as I was playing the game. It required such little imagination to BE imaginative. Promise. Action. Suspense. Reward.

How did you feel about the wedding? Were you disappointed? Did you not really care? Or did you like it? Tell me what and why!

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4 thoughts on “Dragon Age: Inquisition – Worst Wedding Ever”

  1. I think it’s cataclismic the error they committed by passing on the true exitement of the game, the talking the interacting with each companion learning about them, the focus on being just decorative pals and just do the mission thing it’s horrible. The battles and endless raging about getting the freaking shards bs would have been more bearable if they just made the relationships and friendships have an impact in the run of the main game. They missed a great opportunity to do so. So sad. Also why if my character is more stubborn and tried to convince Iron Bull to tide the knot? As an example. Or run chasing Dorian disregarding the repercussions? It just felt like pure “hit hit hit die” game without the relevance the connections you make with the people around you have in your choices or the changes they make to you. Dull. Pointless. Senseless. I wish they cared more for such a franchise.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, it wasn’t a character-driven narrative. Just a story of tropes without bringing anything fresh to the Evil Monster Wants World Domination cliches. They could have expanded upon excellent story-arcs they’d already laid the groundwork for in previous titles.

      They also completely forgot about the rift in the Inquisitor’s hand within five minutes of mentioning it. I thought it was going to be a real point of drama, “the more you use it, the more it hurts you”, but no. No consequences. Until they remembered afterwards and made Trespasser DLC. Which I am still adamant should have been the basis for the entire game. It was very much a “hit hit hit”, EMPTY game. Big maps aren’t fun unless you populate them.

      Finally: MAKE EVERYONE POTENTIALLY GAY WHOOOO BI ROMANCE OPTIONS!

      Like

  2. I was also super disappointed and a little angry because there are only two marriage options! Like wtf if I romance someone else we can’t get married why? Overall I feel like the fans love DA for the companions interaction, but the creators really let us down. We need more, much more.

    Like

    1. Yes! What about Cassandra? Or everyone’s favourite: Dorian? The character interactions in DA:I were cut off at the neck. So much of their personal stories and “development” happened in party banter. They never really felt like a collection of people who liked each other deeply or knew each other very well – they just hung out in the same castle. They were entirely reactionary to the NAFF plot.

      If you took out any of the companion characters, the story would not change. They have zero impact on the actual events. They’re just there. I felt so many of their personal quests were hollow and rushed because it “got in the way” of the “main story”. I’m juuuuuust so bitter about this instalment.

      We’ve seen them write good. They managed it in Trespasser. Ugh.

      Thanks for your thoughts and feelings. It’s nice to hear I’m not alone out there!

      Like

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